I have a big pile of them. All ironed and nicely folded in half an then into thirds, and sometimes folded in half again.

Each day I take one or two from the pile and put them into my handbag, or next to my computer. And when I need one, either to wipe away tears, or aid a runny nose I unfold the smoothness and a little burst of caring and love transfers to me from the person who ironed and folded the handkerchiefs. I get a sense of belonging and grounding.

Then, about every month or so, when the pile of handkerchiefs grows very very short I will wash all of them and then take out the ironing board and the iron and spend an hour ironing and folding into thirds the collection of handkerchiefs.

Each handkerchief on the pile becomes a little present for future-me, a message that I care about her wellbeing. Each time a handkerchief is used that message arrives.

Well there, it has been a year since I decided to stop shopping and I am celebrating it with a big spangly revue. The Shopping Ban gets a party hat and I am decorating the place with streamers.

So how do we go about this revue? Well first I have a look at the rules I set myself a year ago.

Turns out they are a little different from the rules I actually followed. Like, I completely forgot that I didn’t set a date for the end of the shopping ban, but rather just a date for a review. In my mind it was always supposed to last a year. Then there was a rule about buying gadgets. Whatever I meant by that, I don’t know. So I can’t tell you if I followed it. Then there is that thing about a 30 day waiting list that everything goes on before buying. I don’t think I ever used that tool. I guess I didn’t need it. Oh wait, yes there is one time… I almost followed it.

Is it necessary that I list every item I cheated? I’ll post some pictures instead:

Ooof! That’s 57 items, and then there were walking sticks, a new backpack, writing implements and a stone-skipping card set. That makes about a bazillion items.

Still I believe not all is equal. While the necessity of a new dress (it was for my dad’s wedding) may be debated, I definitely needed the new shoes and the new pants/shirts for yoga. Did I need four new pairs of yoga pants? Unlikely.

Each book was bought with intention and was read for the betterment of my Self. I don’t regret them and, considering I used to buy books and not read them, I feel that I fulfilled the spirit of the rule, if not the letter.

Crafting things… well, knitting consumes much of my crafting time which leads me to

Yarn! Beautiful squishy yarn! While I still held up the pretense of wanting to follow the rule two months into the shopping ban, I had dropped it pretty soon after and didn’t even pretend in my next review. I barely make do with my two boxes for my yarn and I already have the next two purchases planned. For sure everyone agreed to give me yarn money for my birthday (spent within 2 days), but… I really don’t know what to say or do. Can this be my indulgence? Do I really need to indulge sensibly?

Maybe now I need to write some things about how I felt.
Hm… I didn’t notice much. The shopping ban pretty much slipped my mind after about three months. I had established new patterns (better ways to deal) that kept me away from places (shops) and situations (spontaneous shopping with colleague/friends) that required shopping. I also had less money available. I started caring more about how things were made and where they fit into my life. I love handmade things, either by me or other artisans, so that was what I bought. That chance doesn’t come often and cardigans are boring to knit (yeah I added a bunch of knit things to my wardrobe, but any cheats are included in the yarn picture). If you know that something could be better made and more lovingly it soon loses its charm. I feel glad that I even remembered to post this review and that I remembered that the shopping ban ends today.

All in all, a good experiment. I think in a year with less momentous changes in all other areas of my life the shopping ban might have registered as a bigger deal. As it was it is one thing among many.

So what about the next year? For me the beginning of November is a good time to set intentions about my relationship to owning and acquiring things. It’s the start of the holiday shopping season where buy-buy-buy-messages are especially strong. So I’ll do that again, tomorrow.

About two weeks ago a lithe young man pushed a surfboard into the ocean, past a crashing wave and out towards the kelp beds. I was sitting on top with a paddle. As soon as he had let go I started paddling, as instructed, and then waited in the calmer waters beyond the surf for both the lithe young man, my teacher for the day, and my fellow student. Once we were all gathered we were further instructed to paddle some, to achieve momentum, and then get up on the board and continue paddling while balancing against the waves.

“Balance is not really my forte,” I told the lithe young man. He smiled at me and asked me to just not think about it and look at the horizon while I tried to get up and paddle.

I tried it once, thinking hard about which muscles I would need to get up and balance. I fell into the water before I had managed to squat on the board.

I tried it again and actually stood up and then started to think about what I needed to do to balance against the rolling waves beneath me. I fell again.

But the third time something had changed, I had paddled closer to the kelp beds and was looking at them trying to discern fish as I got up and paddled. And paddled. And paddled. It took ten strokes for my head to catch up and tell me that, actually, I have no balance. I fell back into the water.

I laughed at my self and how silly I must look to my sister on the shore, standing well and then falling with no apparent reason. And then, because I keep thinking even when I am sitting in the water clinging to a surfboard and laughing, I started questioning myself.

“What makes you say you can’t balance? Who said so? And doesn’t the evidence point the other way?” The facts are that I did just stand up and paddle for a bit until my mind told me I couldn’t, I am often clumsy because of inattention and can’t stand up in Tree Pose, or Nataraj, but I can also draw finely detailed pieces. Evidence it seemed was inconclusive.

“What happens if I just assume that I am telling myself a story and that in fact the only reason I can’t balance is because I tell myself that I can’t?”

I got up on the board again. I stood up and paddled. I paddled over the kelp beds and around my little group, with the lithe young man smiling sweetly. I enjoyed the new perspective I had of the beach. I relished the silence. And when my legs were aching from the unusual exercise I sat back down on the board. It seems my assumption was correct.

Once I got over the paddle boarding induced muscle ache in my legs I reexamined my relationship to balancing in one legged yoga poses. Sure some of the muscles that I need could be better developed, but all in all I have no actual problem with balance, outside of my mind telling me I do.

My question at this point is how do I know what is just a story I am telling myself and what is actual fact. The answer to “Who said so?” is probably a good first indicator, as would be any thought that very insistently tells me that no I can not do this, I am waaaay to stupid/unathletic/etc.

While it may seem a lot of work to reexamine your assumptions about yourself again and again, that kind of work carries with it a whole lot of freedom and possibility. Just think what I could do if I weren’t tied down by that one story from way back when that always pops up if I try to do that thing.

What stories do you tell yourself? and how do you deal with them? Join me in comments!

It’s one of those summer days, today, that are way too cold and garnished with a constant light drizzle which sometimes solidifies into a veritable rain and then fades back to a drizzle.

Bad memories.

Today, while not a vacation day to be spent in bed or at play, is also not one of those days of tired grumpiness. The reason is, I have learned a thing or two about sleep and relaxation.

Now I wouldn’t be going on about it if these things applied only to me, but a few people have thanked me profusely for a little bit of permission that I gave them; the permission to not have to sleep. Sounds paradox when what we want so much is to just got to fucking sleep already, but actually takes a whole lot of pressure off of the sleepless. In its entirety the permission goes as follows:

The magic about this piece of permission is that we stop the vicious cycle of self-flagelation over not sleeping, where we get angry at ourselves for not sleeping and the angry thoughts keep us awake. More often than not I am asleep within half an hour of intentionally giving myself this permission. Those other people have reported the same.

My second learning comes from the world of yoga, specifically Yoga Nidra. Nidra means sleep in Sanskrit. Yoga Nidra thus means, very loosly, conscious sleeping, or relaxation. It is similar to autogenic training. As I’ve only recently started studying Yoga Nidra, I don’t know much of the background, or science underlying, but I have taken away some practical tips.

I hope you give this exercise a try if you have problems sleeping.

Sweet Dreams.

A good six months have passed since I decided to go on shopping fast. Last time I checked in, four months ago, I had some good and some bad to report. This time is no different.

The Good
I have mostly stuck with my shopping ban. My attitude to acquiring stuff has firmly settled on the side of “if I’ll buy it, I have to love it and it has to fulfill it’s purpose perfectly” with a good dose of frugality and thriftiness added. I still go check out some of the stores, sometimes, but it is more with a sense of curiosity about what I could buy if I wanted, or needed anything than with a mindless need to just buy something. I have also made allowances for things that were simply necessary. This has made the shopping ban into something that might even survive the one year mark. Things I bought in this category are: replacement yoga pants, underwear, a long-sleeved shirt and walking sticks in Spain to better walk the Camino and light shoes to wear in the evenings after walking the Camino, a souvenir pendant of the Apostle.

My savings look good, even though I took out a good chunk for Camino expenses, I have no credit card debt and unlike with a diet this effect is probably going to last through the end of the shopping ban.

Walking through Spain and carrying everything I had with me all the time has given me a different relationship to what I need. I really do not need very much. But I also learned that, while I don’t need a lot, I need it to be pretty. I grew so tired of my utilitarian hiking outfit, much more than of my clothes in the Six Items or Less Challenge

The Icky
Yarn.
There isn’t a lot more I can say on the subject, no apology I can offer. I chose not to be able to resist luscious, soft, delicious yarn. (I resist it so little that it feels wrong to put yarn underneath the heading “icky”) I tell myself that I only buy for specific projects, but every once in a while an extra skein turns up in the post. The yarn club eased my obsession somewhat, but not wholly and so I have finally had to admit to two plastic bins of yarn instead of one.

My vigilance on the shopping ban rules has slipped. I had, for example totally forgotten that I put a rule about crafting stuff on there. I do think I unconsciously stuck to the rule though.

The Future
I want to renew my commitment to the shopping ban, even if I think shopping fast, is a better term for it, for the last five months and I want to find ways to transfer the spirit of the shopping ban into the following year.