“Education is a self organising system, where learning is an emergent phenomenon.”

Sugata Mitra (in a TED Talk)

“Humanity is a self organising system, where love is an emergent phenomenon.”

Me (bastardising a very insightful quote)

I used to believe that I was outside the world that a special set of rules applied to me about how I had to be perfect, save the world (which I was not part of) and make my friends happy. This feeling of being outside and not belonging has been a pretty constant companion for many many years, since childhood and that fateful encounter with the abusive kindergartenteacher. At times it manifested as a feeling of actually living in a bubble with a physical barrier between me and the world of everyone else. Sometimes it gave me comfort when the world of everyone else was particularly cruel. They couldn’t hurt me because I wasn’t part of their world.

She took that away from me. Worse, she made me take it away from me. She asked me why I was not part of the world and why it was my job to save the world. She questioned the order of things. She questioned why I of all people had to earn love and friendship when everyone else just got to have friendship and love.

Then I walked on the camino and people just loved me. I was part of their world. And one day as I lay on a patch of grass in a village square and looked up at two trees I felt the wall, the bubble that separated me from the world fall away.

I was connected to everyone. I could feel their humanity and their love. I could feel where they closed themselves off and where they tried to fill that hole left by humanity unacknowledged with stuff, physical stuff or entertainment stuff. I could see how their patterns and monsters carefully constructed complex paths around these closed off parts.

And I thought back on this. Seeing someone who lives too much inside her head and her self, like I do. I’m a huge fan of Karma Yoga, where selfless service is the way to enlightenment. Exactly for this reason. I get out of my head and instead of focusing on doing something for myself as in “regular” yoga I do something for others. And I feel a part of the world as a result. I don’t have to save it, but I am shaping it.

It seems clear when one looks at the way hategroups work that dehumanization is an essential part of fostering hate. See headless fatty, comparing women to animals etc.

When we accept someones humanity we create community, companionship, empathy and importantly love. Love emerges when we accept a common humanity.

This is tough when something like Sandyhooks happens. We don’t want the killer to belong to us, we don’t want to empathize, or love him. So we other him. We do what he did. I firmly believe that noone who recognizes anothers humanity can act in a way that is intentionally harmful to that person.

There’s another side to this too. When you see yourself outside humanity it is hard to love yourself, or to accept anothers love. There is doubt and worthiness questions.

It turns out that she was right. I needed to see myself as the part of the world that I am. I needed to accept my humanity with all that entails. The part she should have told me was that when that happens, I would realize that I deserve all the love, just because I exist, that I would find love and community. That love is an emergent phenomenon of being in the world.

I am an atheist and I’ve had a tough time explaining to people what particular flavour my spirituality is, because so often spirituality is connected to a belief in a higher power.

But this is exactly it. I believe in humanity. More I have faith in humanity. I believe that when we acknowledge the neurochemical spark of humanity in each other that we can’t help but feel love and siblinghood. Out of that feeling we act in supportive and constructive ways. And I have this inkling that our neurochemical sparks recognize each other no matter whether we are conscious of it or not. That our world is spanned by a vast network of neurochemical spark recognition and I am a part of it. So I strive to slowly sweep away all the illusions of separation and difference that cloud my perception of this spark.

… fuck happy.

I’ve always hated that song. Actually, I hate the phrase and feel pretty indifferent to the song. I think. Can’t remember if I’ve actually ever heard the song in full.

So anyway, sometimes someone comes along and tells me not to worry but to be happy instead. Yeah, right! I’m not going to gloss over everything that is wrong in this world and just pretend happiness.

But still, don’t worry.

Apparently there’s this religious book, the Bhagavad Gita, that has a whole chapters devoted to not worrying. I’m intrigued by a philosophy that takes up position against worrying. I am after all a master worrier. So in this book Krishna, the god, tells Arjuna, his disciple, to not worry, because worry doesn’t change anything and anyway his soul is immortal.

I’m not so sure about this whole immortal soul thing, but I am sure that worry never changed a thing. Taking action changes things. Expressing concern to someone may change something. Changing circumstances. Calling a loved one. That changes things. That is useful. But worry? Worry only keeps you stuck in your head, expending energy in exceedingly useless ways.

So maybe instead we say. Don’t worry, get out of your head.

I was talking to Maria: “I go to a class every day unless something important gets in the way.” I was impressed by her dedication. I wanted that kind of dedication and mourned my lack of it, my failing to integrate a practice into my way too full schedule. I panicked at the thought of not doing enough, of not doing it right. For a moment I listened to the monster that tells me that I will never be a yogi. I also listened to the monster that tells me I need to be a yogi to arrive at happiness.

I went into shavasana, my focus forced into arriving with me in the present moment. I felt my body. The muscles that are always tense. The pointed pain in my hip. The strength ready to be deployed into warrior poses.

I remembered that the thing that I like best about Yoga, that it is just me, my Yoga, my Asana. As the teacher reminded the newcomers to listen to their bodies, I remembered that Yoga is many-pathed. Like a small sparkly quartz I remembered that Asana is only part of my way. I remembered that soul work and turning inward are steps on the eight-fold path of Yoga.

And then I forgot, I was present in the present moment. The teacher guided us into Ardha Matsyendrasana. When I turned, again remembering past and future, I was greeted by a woman with skin the color of midnight. Her feet grew roots into the belly of the world and her hair branched outward carrying the sky. In her arms she held a softly glowing body. Safe. Fully contained. Fearless. As I looked at the soft glowing face I saw myself. I looked up into the eyes of the midnight woman rooted in the world and carrying the sky and I saw myself.

I am both the one held and the one holding. I contain myself. I am enough.

With Amy’s help I chose the word courage as inspiration and guide for this year. It seems to me that courage is a word that is often bandied about without any reference to it’s meaning. It is, at the same time, very overused and a diffuse idea. So I decided to play around with markers and words on paper a bit and came up with the pictured hexagon. It is a sort-of-enchantment, a clearing of my mind and anchoring of the qualities I want to carry into 2012.

Each time I look at it I discover something new and interesting about it. Today I noticed that Courage was flanked by Wisdom and Sovereignty. Indeed, Courage without Wisdom easily turns into Foolhardiness and Courage without Sovereignty turns into Frustration. On the other side, Courage is partnered with Permission for example the permission I give myself to want what I want, to do what is necessary, to seek safety when I need safety. For Courage to be sustainable it is necessary that I care for myself in the best way that I know how.

In the past I’ve been known to say things like, I don’t want to spend my life working 60+ hours a week. With that I have hurt somebody that I like very much. While I am sorry about that and most certainly never intended any hurt, I do want to qualify that statement.

I do want to work 60-hours a week, or more. I would be happy to spend my entire waking life working, under one circumstance. That being that I could arrange for my work to be comprised of many different projects, a few at a time.

Fear starts to assert itself if I think about spending all my work time working on one project, be it one of my own, or somebody else’s. I do realize that sometimes working one one project for long hours each day, to the exclusivity of any other will be the better choice and I am willing to make that choice, for a limited time.

Like many of the solopreneurs, online bussinessers and idlers that I follow online, I am a renaissance soul (or passion pluralite, if you prefer). Being forced to choose one career for ever and ever makes us go into resistance, or implode. Because we want and can do so many things.
Sticking to one thing for ever and ever makes our souls dry up and ultimately hurts our potential in the one and only career we have chosen.

So we choose to want to do many things. And because we speak the same language as do those that never ever want to do anything else besides that one thing, we say things like “I don’t want to work a 60-hour work week.” when what we mean is “I don’t want to work 60-hours at one thing, but rather on 2 or 3 things.” If that were possible in your company, we would totally love that too.

There you have it, I’m not a lazy asshole who doesn’t appreciate what can be reached by hard work. Instead I am a creative sweetheart who wants to have a few things she can work hard at at the same time.

Ps. I love you.