With Amy’s help I chose the word courage as inspiration and guide for this year. It seems to me that courage is a word that is often bandied about without any reference to it’s meaning. It is, at the same time, very overused and a diffuse idea. So I decided to play around with markers and words on paper a bit and came up with the pictured hexagon. It is a sort-of-enchantment, a clearing of my mind and anchoring of the qualities I want to carry into 2012.

Each time I look at it I discover something new and interesting about it. Today I noticed that Courage was flanked by Wisdom and Sovereignty. Indeed, Courage without Wisdom easily turns into Foolhardiness and Courage without Sovereignty turns into Frustration. On the other side, Courage is partnered with Permission for example the permission I give myself to want what I want, to do what is necessary, to seek safety when I need safety. For Courage to be sustainable it is necessary that I care for myself in the best way that I know how.

Kalyani instigated a Shiva Nata Bookclub over at the ShivaNuts-Blog. The first book she chose was Drive by Daniel Pink. (shorter version here [video]) The discussion is divided into three parts, according to the structure of the book. This is my take on Part I.

As I sit here and type this I am safe, warm, full of food. I write this without anyone telling me to. I write without anyone paying me to. My apartment is messy, showing signs of my creative endeavors. I don’t clean it up without my internal mother telling me that I need to, and after I’m done I get a reward. It works out that way.

Were you to tell me to write this post, were you to offer a reward per word written, it would be a lot harder. Were my internal mother to just disappear, my apartment would not see the other side of a broom in months. It doesn’t work out that way.

I’ve talked before about my monsters, how they have a whole bunch of opinions on what I should do and how I should behave. Should is a word they use often. Sometimes they also try to bribe me. It doesn’t work for anything that needs more brain power than reading the instruction sheet. Unfortunately they never seem to choose doing the laundry to get all should-y about.

The great thing now, is that I have a whole book of evidence to wave in their general direction.
Motivation requires different approaches depending on whether the task requires finding new solutions and creative approaches (write a blog post/ intrinsic motivation), or if it requires following a protocol (doing the laundry/ extrinsic motivation). For the first type you really just need to set up a good environment, fair pay, a workspace and then let loose on the problem. Rewards, pay per piece and praise help protocol problems be solved in good efficient ways, or you go and punish people for undesired behavior. If I know I get to watch the movie afterwards I’ll get the laundry done sooner. If, on the other hand I try rewarding myself for blog writing, I might even produce something but it will be of lower quality than otherwise and will decrease the likelihood of me wanting to write a future blogpost.

If I apply this to my burgeoning knit-things business, then I would be motivate to knit more of the same thing by people paying me for them^[1], but I would be motivated to think up more knitting patterns simply by the way my mind works.^[2] Turns out that’s a fairly good representation. And it also nicely demonstrates that the reward needs to be big enough to actually motivate the desired action. Offering me 50€ for something that takes me 8 hours to make plus materials is not enough.^[3]

So what does this have to do with the Monsters and even Shiva Nata? Well should-Monsters are basically internalized versions of extrinsic motivation. The pattern is: You should do this, or this thing that is bad will happen. Our monsters ruin our ability to get stuff done, or to move on growing our sweet little thing/ business. And Shiva Nata helps us resolve that pattern. Simple really ;)

More on that topic, when I’m done reading Part II.

1. fair pay, no less [↩]
2. I can’t really stop it. [↩]
3. We’re more in the 200€ range. [↩]

I opened a new project in OmniFocus. It was titled:The Alpaca on the web
And suddenly questions started pouring forth (including spelling and grammar mistakes). It seems that OmniFocus with its brain dump qualities is a good place to think.

• Make a page on DITW that showcases the designs.
• Make a list of Blogposts to write about yarny things
• Do I really want a yarny things blog?
• What is my relationship to writing about knitting?
• How can written things about knitting be incorporated into DITW?
• Is the naked alpaca just the pattern selling branch of my bussiness and the yoga/string part is part of DITW?
• What is the point of the “I make things”-Tumblr?
• What about really just wanting to own the domain The naked alpaca?
• Would people even read my blog if it was more heavy on the strings?
• But isn’t it that the strings are a huge part of me and the blog is about parts work?
• Shouldn’t I be writing these questions into my journal?
• Why is this scaring me all of a sudden?
• Does other people calling me an entrepreneur mean I am one?
• And what if I am? does that oblige me to take this more seriously?
• Why do I believe that if I have a bussiness that I need to invest untold hours into it to make it work?
• Why can’t I just continue doing teeny, tiny baby steps?
• Is that even my thing? Whose is it instead?
• Do I need to make my bussiness fullfill some arbitrary measure of success, wehter financially or emotionally?
• Do I need to set a goal for it, appart from writing six patterns and teaching one person to knit?
• How long is too long to get a bussiness out of it’s baby shoes?
• Can there be any answer but one that is highly personal?

**********************
This I ask as you plant a comment: Please don’t give me advice. I don’t want you to answer my questions for me. It is enough that they are here. Not everything needs to be resolved right now. I feel like I need to be in this in-between place right now. Remember: we each have our stuff and we let people work on it in their own sovereign way. What I would like is if you answered the questions for yourself, or if you had your own questions, or if you just said hi. Hand-on-heart-sighs and sparkles would be greatly appreciated, as would silently waving hello.

I have a big pile of them. All ironed and nicely folded in half an then into thirds, and sometimes folded in half again.

Each day I take one or two from the pile and put them into my handbag, or next to my computer. And when I need one, either to wipe away tears, or aid a runny nose I unfold the smoothness and a little burst of caring and love transfers to me from the person who ironed and folded the handkerchiefs. I get a sense of belonging and grounding.

Then, about every month or so, when the pile of handkerchiefs grows very very short I will wash all of them and then take out the ironing board and the iron and spend an hour ironing and folding into thirds the collection of handkerchiefs.

Each handkerchief on the pile becomes a little present for future-me, a message that I care about her wellbeing. Each time a handkerchief is used that message arrives.

I conflate intelligent with nice.

I often refuse to accept that a person I like is stupid. Likewise I am totally surprised if someone that seems intelligent is an asshole.

In my world being nice is the logical/ the intelligent thing to do. The world at large begs to differ.

In the past I’ve been known to say things like, I don’t want to spend my life working 60+ hours a week. With that I have hurt somebody that I like very much. While I am sorry about that and most certainly never intended any hurt, I do want to qualify that statement.

I do want to work 60-hours a week, or more. I would be happy to spend my entire waking life working, under one circumstance. That being that I could arrange for my work to be comprised of many different projects, a few at a time.

Fear starts to assert itself if I think about spending all my work time working on one project, be it one of my own, or somebody else’s. I do realize that sometimes working one one project for long hours each day, to the exclusivity of any other will be the better choice and I am willing to make that choice, for a limited time.

Like many of the solopreneurs, online bussinessers and idlers that I follow online, I am a renaissance soul (or passion pluralite, if you prefer). Being forced to choose one career for ever and ever makes us go into resistance, or implode. Because we want and can do so many things.
Sticking to one thing for ever and ever makes our souls dry up and ultimately hurts our potential in the one and only career we have chosen.

So we choose to want to do many things. And because we speak the same language as do those that never ever want to do anything else besides that one thing, we say things like “I don’t want to work a 60-hour work week.” when what we mean is “I don’t want to work 60-hours at one thing, but rather on 2 or 3 things.” If that were possible in your company, we would totally love that too.

There you have it, I’m not a lazy asshole who doesn’t appreciate what can be reached by hard work. Instead I am a creative sweetheart who wants to have a few things she can work hard at at the same time.

Ps. I love you.

I have ideas about the way I want this blog to be. About experience telling my story, but also showing how my story fits into the larger context. About systemic problems and individual solutions. About fairytales and real world heroines.

At the heart of my identity lie struggles I have kept mostly hidden in this online world. I am cutting myself off from myself.

***

I struggle(d) with mental illness.

Last year in June I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder^[1]. I suffered panic attacks, heightened anxiety levels, worry, sadness, stomach aches, racing pulse, insomnia, the inability to get out of bed some days and action paralysis. The symptoms started two years ago, triggered by my decision to finally finish my PhD, even though my boss did not like it. By mid-May it had gotten so bad that I considered going to my M.D. to get help. It took me a full four weeks to overcome my paralysis and call to make an appointment. It was all I did that day, but also the most important thing I did that month. My doctor put me on Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and five weeks of sick leave. I am forever grateful for the respite and the drugs. I have met many people that dispute the efficacy of psycho-pharmaceuticals in the treatment of mental illness, deeming them something for weak-willed people. For obvious reasons I disagree.

In September I started therapy with a young and mostly competent therapist. I also started reading Havi’s blog.

I have had a number of crises, but each one turned into a crucible in which I melted to form a new and truer Self. In each step I have stripped away unnecessary and volatile components, so that only that which is my core remains. Today I am not only closer to who I want to be, I am also closer to my values. I have an idea of who I am and where I want to go. Without my descent into mental illness I would not be in this place today.

Which is not to say that you need to get yourself a mental illness to work on your stuff and come out a better person. Having a mental illness sucks, big time. It left me powerless to do the most basic things for myself. Well-intentioned family and friends gave/give me all manner of advice about how I really just need to suck it up and do IT already. They can’t understand how difficult doing anything is if your brain is not functioning. If I tell you that something is really hard for me, trust me on it. I am not lazy, or selfish, nor am I a weak-minded fool, and I really wish that life were easier and I could fulfill your expectations.

I’m more, or less, missing two years of my life. It’s caused all manner of unpleasantness. There is, for example, my dissertation which is not finished even though I started writing it two years ago. My knowledge of what I did is fading and I am close to giving up on it. I am also unemployed with the prospect of living off of meager welfare^[2], or my meager savings. For a long time struggling for survival into the next week had left little energy to look for jobs much less apply, or even figure out what the hell I wanted to do in life.

BUT, and this is a big but; today I am my own rock. I have direction. I am my own miracle. I have trust in the universe that everything will work out. I have faith in myself that I will be true to myself.

Not saying all these things obscures those truths from me. I get caught up in other people’s judgements. I got caught up in protecting my secret identity and thus was never fully present, or fully committed to this blog. This can change now.^[3]

***

Hi there! I would love it, if you left a comment, or said hello. What I wouldn’t love is, if you pronounced judgments on me, or told me how I should behave. Sharing your own story is very much welcomed. Hugs and sparkle points to all.

1. 10% of the population suffer, though only 4% are diagnosed with it [↩]
2. negative societal judgments courtesy of the house [↩]
3. Of course I worry that a potential employer might read this and judge me accordingly. But to that employer I say, ” Madame, did you not read about how I found my strength, how I found my values, how I am, today, fully anchored in myself? Do you not think that a person with such strength can be an invaluable asset to your project?” [↩]